The Nagging Wife
Farmer Frank had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.
One day when he was out in the field, Frank's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.
At the wake, Frank's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Frank he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Frank and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"
Well, Frank replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale!?'"
A woman's revenge .. the drink ..
A girl and her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's the girl's turn to buy around, she tells him that
she's heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try.
She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two glasses.
One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice.
Instructions: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth,
and then drink the lime juice." He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go.
First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth.
Then he takes the lime juice.
T + 0.1 secs: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.
T + 0.3 secs: Boyfriend's face turns the color of fresh lime juice.
T + 0.6 secs: Boyfriend calms his stomach and swallows the gunge.
T + 1.5 secs: She whispers in his ear....
"It's called Blowjob revenge"
I have a frog in the back
A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog."
"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."
The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night.
She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks.
"What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"
Reasonable Doubt
In a court room where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.
" Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.
The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly.
A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
Answers the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."
Lawyer and the Pope
A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms.
The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light. They came to the Lawyer's room. It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar.
The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!" St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!"
Wishes Granted
One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. "
For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie.
The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued. "What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously.
The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."
"Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.
" What is your first wish?" asked the Genie. "Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?" "I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man. "Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man. "And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie.
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."
Lawyer, Engineer, and God
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of Hell and is let inside.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
The difference between a prostitute and a lawyer?
- One will leave you with a smile on your face, and the other one leaves with your will.
- One will give you a disease, and the other one is a disease.
- One will love you and leave you, and the other one you wish would leave you alone.
- One lets you lie back and enjoy it, and the other one bends you over and you don't enjoy it.
- One tells you what they're going to do to you, and the other one won't admit it.
- One you look forward to visiting, and the other one you wish you'd never met.
- One is illegal and shouldn't be, and the other one is legal and shouldn't be.
- One gives you what you paid for, and the other one you never stop paying.
- One walks the streets openly, and the other one hides in an office.
- One gets arrested for soliciting, and the other one is called a solicitor.
A Brooklyn Lawyer
A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman, and a banker were gathered by the coffin containing the body of an old friend.
In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend over there."
They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a $100 bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same.
The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The balding man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying them all.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "
But why?" asks the man."I'm a divorce lawyer
Hot Air Balloon
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but don't know where I am."
The man consulted his GPS and replied, "You're are in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
"You must be a Republican," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
"The man responded, "You must be a democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now somehow, it's my fault."
Actual Court Questions
The following exchanges are all taken from REAL court transcripts. Some of them involve stupid or confused people, or outrageous lawyer babble, and some are just funny taken out of context. "Q", of course, is the lawyer, and "A" is the witness.
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q. Were you acquainted with the decedent?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
[This last exchange involves a child.]
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven. St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.
To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?" The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.
Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didnt really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?" The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"
